Let it Go

I find in my life that I will go through a period of time - sometimes a year - maybe two - where the same theme, message, or lesson keeps coming up. Sometimes, it isn’t very loud. It is just a little tune playing in the background. Other times, it seems that no matter where I look or what I am thinking - there it is.

This year the message is ‘Let it Go’ and it is loud and clear and constant. The Universe is practically shouting it.

I am suddenly so aware of all that I am carrying around. I know it isn’t helping anyone - especially me. I know that I cannot change any of it. I have only one choice - to accept things as they are at this moment. I have to ‘Let it All Go’.

My youngest son is leaving for college in 10 days. I have to let him go. I have to let him physically go. And I have to let him go and have his own life knowing that he is taking a big piece of my heart with him. I worry he will be lonely. I worry he will have a problem and he won’t ask for help. I worry that mold will grow in the unwashed dishes in his room. I tell myself ‘Let it go’.

My older son went to college three years ago. My Mother had passed away two months earlier. I was grieving so deeply that I cannot really separate the sadness of his departure from the loss of her. Now that we are once again sending a child to college, I am reliving the loss of her . Let it go.

I worry that my first born might have passed over that important threshold without feeling my tremendous love for him which was wrapped up in a giant ball of emotions. Let it Go.

A few months before my mother died, my cousin, Kat died. She was my maid of honor and my partner in crime during my early life. Whenever I think of the passing of my mother, the very next thought is always about Kat. I think about the things that I never got to say, and the time that we never got to spend. I get angry at her that she didn’t tell me she was so sick. I get angry at myself for not having taken her up on the offer to get together…..an offer she made so many times. If I had physically seen her, I would have known. If I had known maybe I could have done something. Maybe things would be different. Maybe she would be alive. Then I remember that I am not that powerful. That the universe has a plan. Life happens and I am not in control. Let it go.

I let it go and then I take it back. I let it go and then I take a little less of it back. It takes practice.